Free write

I cannot sleep. I am thinking of you and the ocean you are in front of. How I am not with you. How I never will be. Again. I never told you that I heard God tell me you were mine. From that moment forward, I surrendered to that we were a thing to the most high. that we were stupid and young and full of hurt over past love. You are not as young as I thought. Not as young as you said. And there are always lies. Some, not intentional but there are always lies. The ones we tell ourselves are the most harmful because there is no protection against that.

I'm happy. Truly, but that doesn't mean I don't miss what I thought we had. You are as fucked up as they come. A beautiful mess. So magnificent from a distance but the closer anyone gets the more you unravel. The more you come undone. I always thought we would keep saving each other. Thought we'd make a life of coming to each other's rescue. Make a life out of each other's tattered heart. You never knew how to do long term. Never knew what to do with me. And that's what they all come to. All say it at some point. As if admitting it after the failure counts. 

I don't want to have a filter anymore. My writing used to be the place I could get free, then people started listening and naming me things I never said I wanted to be. And yeah, that fucks with the art. Starts to make you second guess and over think. What used to be effortless require a more labored process and I'm not with it. I've learned a lot but I'm not with it. So I'm starting over. I'm going back to only writing for me. This will be where I get free.  

30/30 day 2

LISTEN: 

READ:

My beloved 

 

Last night I cried on the floor of a church 

Cried, next to you 

These are the things I've prayed about

 

There I was

Connected to your Jesus by proximity 

Calling His name in song 

His name, familiar 

I have always loved Him

The way I love 

In secret. 

 

Last night you cried 

On the floor of a church 

Cried, next to me 

These are the things I've prayed for 

 

There you were connected to Jesus 

Calling his name in song 

His name, Beloved 

You have always loved him 

The way you love 

In the silent moments

 

Last night I cried on the floor of a church 

Holding the hand of my beloved 

My heart cried out Thank You, Jesus. 

 

On the other side of truth

I have come to know myself as brave in places. In my writing, on stage, when planning my career. But when it comes to matters of
the heart... my bravery is often delayed. I sit on my truth waiting for the perfect moment and even when it comes, sometimes I still wait. That is what fear feels like to me. Mouth shut with a million words swirling in my head, skin bubbling with emotion and no one knows but me. I will put it all in a poem, I will declare my love at a show to a crowd of strangers but in the quiet lull of after dinner delight, when the moment arrives words fail me.

Yesterday, after deeply contemplating what I might say to someone I love, I took a deep breath and went for it. I said ALL THE THINGS. And I didn't die. In fact, I felt heard and understood. It is a lovely day when you can openly share your thoughts and feelings with little fear of what the other person might say.

I share this with you, to remind you to love hard and in plain sight. To say the things that scare the shit out of you because the joy on the other side of truth is gorgeous.

Yours & mine,

Natalie

natalieispoetry.com