Breaking through the break up.

I took a shower today, put on makeup and attempted to work.  This may seem uneventful but when your heart is broken, these things become accomplishments.  I made it through the whole day without crying. It is 1:07am on day 3 of the breakup and I am tempted to park outside of his house just to feel close to him. I miss things about him that were normal a few days ago. His hair, the way it smells. I miss his kiss when I am still in his bed, but he is rushing off to work. I would beckon him back to me and he would slow for a second. Just long enough to kiss me real and i'd lift full body off the bed for a split second. That kiss recalibrated me. He is always moving so watching him slow for me was breathtaking.  I think about how I didn't hug him often enough or snuggle up into him. He loves sitting on the same side in a booth and I think it is corny, but now I wonder if resisting was worth it.  I am tormented by everything we won't do together and how tragic that seems to me.

He sent me a picture of himself and two of his daughters tonight. I couldn't help but wish I was smiling next to them. You grow attached to the people your person loves, so while I have no actual connection to them-- I miss them too.  

I've never had a breakup like this. Perhaps I've never liked anyone this much and not been with them. We broke up suddenly. Neither one of us actually thought we would breakup. I am still in denial. I still hope my absence forces him to see how much he loves me. I know I see things differently. I know I see everything differently without the comfort of his love and protection. Did I think we would last forever? I don't even know what forever is, but I sure was attached to the idea of him in my life for as far ahead as I could see. I never could get him to believe that part. The part about me staying and loving him. 

I made plans in the future. Imagined him kissing me on my birthday, me kissing him on his. I imagined sneaking presents into his life. I imagined sleeping in the sunlight. Opening my eyes to him getting ready for the day. I imagined family dinners and movie dates. Really, I imagined us living life, finding our rhythm. 

I don't know what will happen. I don't know if he can really feel my love. Don't know if he will receive it but I hope so. I really, really hope so.