I cannot sleep. I am thinking of you and the ocean you are in front of. How I am not with you. How I never will be. Again. I never told you that I heard God tell me you were mine. From that moment forward, I surrendered to that we were a thing to the most high. that we were stupid and young and full of hurt over past love. You are not as young as I thought. Not as young as you said. And there are always lies. Some, not intentional but there are always lies. The ones we tell ourselves are the most harmful because there is no protection against that.
I'm happy. Truly, but that doesn't mean I don't miss what I thought we had. You are as fucked up as they come. A beautiful mess. So magnificent from a distance but the closer anyone gets the more you unravel. The more you come undone. I always thought we would keep saving each other. Thought we'd make a life of coming to each other's rescue. Make a life out of each other's tattered heart. You never knew how to do long term. Never knew what to do with me. And that's what they all come to. All say it at some point. As if admitting it after the failure counts.
I don't want to have a filter anymore. My writing used to be the place I could get free, then people started listening and naming me things I never said I wanted to be. And yeah, that fucks with the art. Starts to make you second guess and over think. What used to be effortless require a more labored process and I'm not with it. I've learned a lot but I'm not with it. So I'm starting over. I'm going back to only writing for me. This will be where I get free.