A lonely night

I am painfully alone. I don't have a single person I want to call but have the urge to be wrapped up in arms that are steady. And that is strange because I am not sad. Not unhappy, just longing for a connection most are not honest about wanting. 

 

I've been watching 'Belief' Oprah's new show. I love that it is exploring faith globally. I feel like that is what we, as Americans/westerns miss so deeply. There are people across the world who celebrate their higher power in an equally or sometimes even more beautiful way than we do but somehow our lens for what is valuable in terms of faith is so limited, so Jesus focused. I grew up in church. I was raised on Bible stories, I pray real but never has my understanding of God limited my awareness that who I call God could be so much bigger than I imagine. I suppose in some ways I am frustrated by how "connected" some claim to be but how separate and unwelcoming their faith feels. 

 

My ex-lover of nearly 9 years on and off told me that he could not be my boyfriend because he wanted to "date with purpose" and he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me so we couldn't be together. I found that so unbelievably unkind and incongruent. Why would you spend years of your life in what appears to be very meaningful proximity, built on intimate and friendship if you do not see this person as someone you could spend your life with, when you have spent so much of your life together already?  I struggled with the inherent judgment that seemed to come with the rejection of validating the relationship. I still struggle with the paradox of feeling compelled to love him when the incongruency makes me hate him. Being rejected by a person you have only ever loved and been kind to, is such a deep betrayal and to add a religious componant on top of it makes it all the more challenging to make peace with.  It is hard to call steady a drifting tide. He is a white flag tied to the wrist of a man holding a gun. The most beautiful oxymoron I have ever loved. 

I hope someday soon to love a person who wants to unfold together, harmoniously. Until then, consider this my unfolding. Consider yourself my most loyal lover. Consider me grateful for your attention to these words, I share with only you, who was drawn to this part of the universe and found me, my soul, these words waiting for you like an open book.